Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
