im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
