ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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