the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
