So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
