My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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