Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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