come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
