toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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