The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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