it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
