just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
