Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
