"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
