this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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