I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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