I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
