I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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