I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
