When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
