first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
