apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
