if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
