I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
