I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
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you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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