She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
