drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
