my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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