My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
