So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
