I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just blew my weed a kiss
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
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