5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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