Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
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