I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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