I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!