So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
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All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
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SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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