Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
