i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
