By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
