I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize