so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
