I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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