I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
