Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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