we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
