his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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