pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
