the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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