Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
