Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
