I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
