John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
