I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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