My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
