it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
