I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
